How to be a Woman

Being a woman 101.

 

Warning : Abusive content ahead! ( Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.) 

 

 

Thursday morning.  I open my eyes.

My phone is buzzing and I can see it blinking blue.

It’s 7:30 am.

What kind of a mofo texts someone at 7 am ?

I unlock my phone. There is a picture of my mom and my brother in the background. I smile. I miss them, especially him.

I check my texts. Some group chats ( which I have muted for a year ) and a friend from Australia. Ok, that explains the odd timing. He wrote to say that he was waiting for my next blog.

I smile. Someone is waiting for my blog. Hugs to you,  my friend, for atleast making me smile in the morning and for encouraging me to write.

I get up. The alarm is screaming. I look around. It’s not mine. It’s my flatmates.

‘Babe , wake up. You are late for work’, I yell from my bedroom. No response.

I  get out of bed and wear my flip flops.

I get into the bathroom. Someone rings the doorbell. “Coming, Un momento’, I shout.

Door bell rings again.

Jesus ! Let me atleast wipe my ass.

I sheepishly climb down the stairs.

It’s the guy from amazon with some packet for my flatmate.

The alarm is still screaming. He is still asleep.

I walk into the kitchen. I need a glass of juice.

I walk over to the sink and stare at the dishes.

Dammit ! I haven’t  washed the dishes since Tuesday night.  They are full of greasy slime. Great start to a morning. Doing chores is not what I appreciate in the mornings. I pick up a plate. Start scrubbing.

My American friend always smiles at the irony while I wash dishes and reminds me every single time that I am a brown chick washing dishes. How ironic and funny. Fuck you, friend ! I am a brown chick who is trying to save the world one cancer cell at a time.

Oh, I work with cancer cells. Breast cancer , to be specific. Or as my friends call it, I work with boobs. ( hehehe, boobs. Very mature ! )

Anyway, I am wondering about women scrubbing dishes. Women, those amazing human beings with boobs.

What ? People like boobs. Get over it !

So, what do women do ? Or more importantly, what are we ‘ suppossd to do’ ?

I remember being back at home. My grandfather had anger issues. I wanted to study far away from home. He disagreed. One day,  he told me ” You will not go anywhere. You will stay here. You will be washing dishes all your life. You will marry someone , have his kids and rot in someones kitchen, washing dishes. ” He is a peach. Fuck you, grandpa !

10 years later, here I am. Researching cancer, drinking wine, single , hot as ever and happy as I ever could be. Still washing dishes, though. ( that’s coz I eat more than a lady should ).

I jump back into my train of thought. What should a lady act like ?

Always be polite

Be understanding

Sit with your legs closed

Never show cleavage

Don’t be friendly with men

Don’t abuse

Don’t have sex

Cook for your man

Always be cheerful and smiling

Just accept blame even if you are right, just so that your relationship moves forward.

Never have a condom in your cabinet coz of the fear of being slutshamed. ( Hey, if he wants you to not use a condom and take the risk…. sure. It’s upto him. If he is ready to be called ‘Daddy’ , outside the bedroom, and by your future accidental son, I think you  both are winners. LMFAO )

Never tell a man that you love him before he says it ( then, u lost the game, bitch. And fuck equality. )

Never be angry.

Never ever try to point out that he is being an emotionless asshat ( coz then, you are emotionally manipulative. Let him make fun of you when you are romantic. Coz duhhh! Men don’t do romance )

And most importantly,

DON’T BE EMOTIONAL.

If I had a dollar for every time some guy asked me if ” It’s that time of the month” just coz I am stressed or upset about my cat eloping with another sexy cat.( she din’t even say bye. Well, she’ll be back when she is falls out of love. I hope. )

No sweethearts, It’s not that time of the month. But I would gladly keep you in the loop and send you an email every time I am having my cycle.

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I am not ashamed to be emotional when I need to be.
I am not ashamed to be scared, vulnerble, happy, sad or in love.

Next time someone tells you ” You are being a ball of emotion today”, tell them ” Yes, I am a not A ball of emotion, I am THE ball of emotion. What the fuck are you gonna do about it ? ” Little Punk.

Men don’t do emotion. ( I am generalizing here and I know plenty of men who are loving, giving and emotionally intelligent ).

Men are supposed to eat, drink beer and chop wood. LOL.

Men can frustrate the fuck out of you and act like a jerk. But godforbid if you even try to react to it. If you do, be warned.

You will either be a bitch for calling him out on his bullshit.

You will be emotionally manipulative if you are upset.

You will be emotionless and naive if you are understanding and deal with the bullshit and give him another chance.

If you try to talk about it, You are annoying.

There is no way out.

Next time your friend, husband, lover or coworker calls you emotinal for being a human being….

Tell him/ her to ” Go fuck themselves “. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Okay. I am kidding. Don’t tell people to go fuck themselves, as enjoyable as it is. Next time tell them to be kind and supportive.

  • Tell them to be supportive.
  • Tell them that you need some encouragement and love.
  • Tell them just to be there for you and listen.

And if you are the person who is making fun of someone for expressing an emotion, just remember that they talked to you coz they love you, respect you and maybe they just needed a shoulder to cry on.

  • Remember that it’s normal to feel emotions and be scared. He/she is a human being too.
  • You can tag them as emotional, emotionally manipulative, dramatic or weak. But you can also be understanding and loving.
  • Being a jerk takes 30 secs and incidentally, so does being a good friend.

Or you can stick to ” you are rubber and I am glue “, whatever you prefer.

So, to all the lovely ladies out there,

FEEL ! Feel whatever you wanna feel.

Sit with your legs wide apart and don’t be scared to feel emotional.

We’d rather be emotional than be cold.

And if he is still being a jerk, call him out on his rudeness. If he continues to be a jerk,tell him that he has a small penis and that you can multiple orgasms and he can’t. That’ll teach him. (LOL. I should never give advice. )

OK. OK. Just stick to being nice, loving and try to talk it out.

Here goes the alarm again.

Get up, you sleepyhead !

I will destroy that alarm someday soon.

Anyway, back to scrubbing dishes.

Have a great day everyone.

Love,

Morena.

 

P.s : This post is not about any guy I am dating. It’s just something that I needed to say outloud after going through this myself and after meeting women who go though this. I do not mean any disrespect to any man. I love men, trust me. I think men are awesome- Beard, blue eyes, great biceps.   Hehehehe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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